Writing Tips for
the 21st Century

"They're efficacious!"
by Tom Ersin, December 17, 2008

If a prospective employer has two candidates in front of her with relatively equal skill levels, the one who writes more effectively will probably get the position. An applicant’s superior writing and speaking skills might even trump the mustard stains on her top from lunch. Articulate Ms. Mustard Stains will likely beat out Exquisitely Dressed Prepster who never saw an infinitive that didn’t need splitting — or who insists upon using popular but tired, trite words and phrases to sound artificially erudite, earnest, or hep.

CONSIDER THESE SUGGESTIONS

— Lay off the word “like.” We’re, like, it’s SO not similicious anymore.
— Hinder the use of “hopefully.” Right or wrong — it’s tired.
— Elaborate on the epiphany that you should eliminate “epiphany.”
— Spank the phrase “speaks volumes.” It’s pretentious. You’re           pretentious.
— Yo! “Multitask” THIS!
— Ice the phrase “I could care less” or worse, its bastard child, “I could           care.” People! For the last time, it’s “I COULDN’T care less!”
— Withdraw the use of ... “well” ... as in: “My rough draft is, well, rough.”
— At the end of the day, quit saying “at the end of the day.”
— Bump the word “behoove” in all of its forms. We just don’t like it.
— Thwart the indignant exclamation “Thank You!” when used as           confirmation that we get your point about whomever or whatever it is           you’re bellyaching.
— Hey, the ‘60’s called — they want “bummer” back (— yes, thanks to           David Spade).
— Hammer the term “harm’s way.” Enough already. Find something           else.
— And if we hear one more person say, “Even if there is only one           possible unified theory, it is just a set of rules and equations,”           we’re going to puke. Stop patronizing us!
— Bar the use of big words just to show off.
— Be averse to avoiding big words just because you don’t like people who           use them to show off.
— “Digital”: the new “turbo.”
— Delete the use of “duh” to indicate the obvious nature of a declarative           statement or to emphasize a rhetorical question and its evident,           unnecessary answer. Just stop it! From now on, we’re going with:           “Will a hermaphrodite meet you halfway?” (— thanks to Louis           Black for that one).
— Whack “whatsoever.”
— “Fifty is the new fo ...” Knock it off!
— Discontinue using “disconnect” as a noun. It’s a real lame.

AND THE NUMBER ONE TOP TEN TIP FOR 21st CENTURY SPEAKING AND WRITING IS: “Allay and alleviate, with alacrity, the allotment of almost all alliterative allusions to allocate the allure of an alleged innovative and grandiloquent writing style.”

Hopefully, at the end of the day, these inspirational, informational tips will speak volumes about writing that is of such a high caliber that it is to be considered good (and efficacious). It has behooved me to notice that in every instance of myself perusing an example of these nauseatingly tired words and phrases, which continue to be depleted in strength, void of energy, and excruciatingly lacking in freshness, I get, well, nauseous.

Problem solved. Apprehensions allayed. Concerns calmed. Anxieties alleviated. Consternation concluded. Dread deported. Discomposure discontinued. Dismay deterred. Disquiet downgraded. Trepidation terminated. Phobia finished. Fearfulness forgotten. Fright refrained from (OK — I ran out of consonant pairs).

A LITTLE NOTE ON WRITING FOR FOREIGN CULTURES
How do I insult thee? Let me count the ways: If I fail to consider inter-culturalization during the course of my translation, my localization will result in misinterpretation, no assimilation, and will have failed for lack of internationalization; therefore, this would preclude the globalization of my new innovation (please, no redundancy condemnation), which was an origination from my imagination. But now it would be a negation of my creation — the deprivation of which would be a bane to civilization. And an ineffectuation for my organization. This has been my contemplation of cultural extrapolation.

Consummation.

Memorandum:
from the desk of Herschel S. Krustofski, Editor in Chief

Date: April 1, 2010
To: Writing Staff

There have been problems with using certain elements of bad grammar. Be vigilant in following pronoun agreement rules and knowing its importance. Strive to recognize pronoun agreement issues and fix it.

MORE TIRED WORDS AND PHRASES
Once sublime, now mere rime
Past their prime and beyond their time
We’d rather mime than to begrime
The English word with this grime and slime
In another clime, they rhyme and chime
Now past their prime, they’re just plain embarrassing

— lack thereof - or you could try “lack therefrom,” a lesser known but           equally transparent and pompous attempt to sound scholarly
— 2.0 - to indicate a second incarnation of something, as in “Internet 2.0”;           this one is not quite at the point of excommunication, but theCT tries           to stay ahead of the curve; speaking of “ahead of the curve,” your           days are also numbered, Pal
— connect the dots - it’s been beaten to death
— pushing the envelope - use only if you’re literally pushing an envelope
— literally - use only if you’re actually applying some level of force by           putting flesh to a flat folded container made from heavier stock paper           and physically moving said flat folded container from one point to           another
— first and foremost - classic space filler used to sound artificially           learned and earnest; one or the other will do
— each and every - ditto
— point in time - ditto, ditto
— ditto - cease and desist using this redundantly repetitive term ■

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Articulate Ms. Mustard Stains will likely beat out Exquisitely Dressed Prepster who never saw an infinitive that didn't need splitting — or who insists upon using popular but tired, trite words and phrases to sound artificially erudite, earnest, or hep.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Delete the use of "duh" to indicate the obvious nature of a declarative statement or to emphasize a rhetorical question and its evident, unnecessary answer. Just stop it! From now on, we're going with: "Will a hermaphrodite meet you halfway?"
(— thanks to Lewis Black for that one)

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Writing Tips for the 21st Century

"They're efficacious!" by Tom Ersin, December 17, 2008

Writing Tips for
the 21st Century

"They're efficacious!"
by Tom Ersin, December 17, 2008