Poor Richard Simmons' Almanac

Words to live by

HAROLD: “You sure have a way with people.”
          MAUDE: “Well, they’re my species.” (Ashby, 1971)
“There’s no ‘I’ in TEAM — but there is an ‘M’ and an ‘E.’”
          (H. S. Krustofski, 2008)
“'TEIAM' - We put the ’I’ back in.” (H. S. Krustofski, 2009)
LOU BOUDREAU: “Satchel, I just wish we could have signed you in your prime.”
          SATCHEL PAIGE: “Well Mr. Boudreau, I guess I'll just have to make
          my prime, now. (Colla, 1981)
LITTLE GIRL’S LETTER TO SANTA: “And please, please bring some clothes for           those poor ladies on Grandpa’s computer.” (Anonymous, 2009)
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got
          it made.” (G. Marx, n.d.)
CAPTAIN RENAULT: “I'm shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going
          on in here!”
          (VOICE FROM APPROACHING CROUPIER:) “Your winnings, sir.”
          (Curtiz et al., 1943)
“A journey of a thousand miles ... is a long frickin’ ways.”
          (H. S. Krustofski, 2005)
“We must pursue peaceful ends by peaceful means.” (M. L. King, Jr., 1967)
“Speak softly, and carry a big schtick.” (H. S. Krustofski, 2009)
NUMBER ONE TOP TEN STUPID THINGS A PARENT CAN SAY:
          “Are you calling my child a liar!?” (H. S. Krustofski, 2010)
“Marriage is a solid, long-term commitment. But a tattoo — that’s for life.”
          (H. S. Krustofski, 2007)
“Go sell crazy someplace else; we're all stocked up here.”
          (Brooks & Andrus, 1997)
“Don’t drink OR drive.” (Rob’s Amish T-shirt, 2007)
“If you drop a glove in the mud, the mud doesn’t get glovey.” (Public Domain)
“I like my women like I like my logarithms: complicated and converted to
          base 10.” (H. S. Krustofski, 2008)
“Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try.”
          (Groening & Brooks, 1989-2008)
“Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if
          you wish to succeed in business.” (Groening & Brooks, 1989-2008)
I know it could never work out between us —
          “I say tomato, you say cây cà chua.” (Levinson & Markowitz, 1987)
“Now Lisa, doomsday is family time.” (Silverman et al., 2007)
“Is the Pope a Catholic? Will a hermaphrodite meet you halfway?”
          (Public Domain)
SKATER TRUCKER’S LAMENT: F I Can’t C U, it’s I C U 4 U
          (R. Emanuel, 2006)
“When life gives you lemons, get some tequila to go with it.”
          (H. S. Krustofski, 2008)
“Those who fail to learn from redundancy are doomed to repeat it, again.”
          (R. Emanuel, 2007)
“If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” (Y. Berra, n.d.)
“The means are ends in the making.” (M. K. “Mahatma” Gandhi, 1869-1948)
MY IMAM CAN BEAT UP YOUR IMAM
          (Bumper sticker referring to mendacious and redundant veracity gap
          between Imam Muhammad Musri, Pastor Terry Jones' Muslim
          representative, and Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf of the planned Park 51 —
          not a mosque — Islamic Community Center in New York; Krustofski,           September 2010)